An Open Letter to Nick.

Hi Nick,

I thought today I’d see another snippy Facebook post about the revolution or overthrowing the government today from you. I thought that this year you’d tell me some good news about what’s been happening with your life. I thought I wouldn’t lose another  friend this year.

I woke up to a post by your dad stating that you had passed over night, on your Facebook. And just like that your page was ‘memorialized’ and was added to the thousands of pages of people with “I’ can’t believe this” strewn down their page.

We don’t know the exact cause of what happened yet, I’m lost because you passed (seemingly) as if you were an old man going to rest and simply never waking up again, I hope you weren’t in any pain.

You were always in so much pain. You were sad and emotional, an artist and one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met. Seeing the old  photos of you and posts on your page took me back to every memory I could recall with you and our friends.

Like when you were the mescalline instructor to the rest of our friends and I came to watch over everyone to make sure no one died, and while you had a bun in your hair you accidentally swallowed your tab and immediately felt sick, and then the smallest fart escaped and you turned bright red; and instead of the “ew’s” that I assume you thought you’d hear from us it was a roar of laughter and “you’re adorable nick”.

Another memory that stuck out to me was my first punk/metal ‘show’ which was another friends band playing in an open dirt lot with other people our age in punk gear, Dr. Martens, studded vests, patched denim, spikes and all the beer. While Celeste was ecstatic to jump into the skanking/mosh pit I was terrified, but you grabbed my arm and simply said “I got you.” and began elbowing people that got to close to me and we ‘skanked the night away’.

This became my favorite memory of you. 

There are so many more, that span from sophomore year of college and onward, from pushing you to be a more positive individual, you taking the time to show me how to play at least a few chords on guitar and believing in me even when I was shit.

You are an amazing friend. 

The last time we talked was May 5, 2017 when you needed reassurance and felt you were stuck in a dark place from the medication and not knowing how to accept love. I did my best at letting you know you are worthy of love and that not all people are as shitty as the ones from your past. You are one of the only men that never hated being called “Darling” by me and darling I wish I would’ve let you know that I loved you too on our last conversation had I known it would be. But I hope that you passed knowing that I, and so many other people, do love you and care about you.

You are a real talented motherfucker that didn’t put up with the (for lack of a better phrase) fuck shit and still no matter how low you got always supported and cherished your friends and I will always remember that about you Nick.

I miss you, I hope you’re not hurting anymore, love you Darlin’.